Closing A Chapter...

On Sunday, March 1st, my mom, and sisters, Alyee and Jessi, and I traveled to Casper, Wyoming, while my dad stayed home with the boys in Utah.  We stayed the night at the Marriott on the one year anniversary of our arrival in Casper for Matt's job.  We stayed in the exact same hotel one year prior as we moved from Lehi, UT to Casper.  What a crazy and devastating year it has been.

Monday morning, in anxious anticipation for the day's events, I couldn't sleep so I went for a drive.  First, I drove to our old house...we were only there for three months before Matt's accident so there aren't a whole lot of memories but the ones I have are so amazing.  It was the last place I was happiest, so it holds some significance for me, as you might imagine.  

I thought a lot about my next stop...the intersection where Matt was hit.  There used to be a white memorial bike there and I had been planning on leaving flowers but sadly, the bike is gone.  It's back to being a plain intersection in a small town.  This is me, sitting quietly at the intersection, thinking about how much a moment can change our lives so drastically.

 This is the intersection of 1st and Beech in Casper where the accident happened.

 My family and Matt's family were in town that Monday for the sentencing hearing of the drunk driver who hit and killed Matt.  Thankfully, he had plead guilty several months earlier and after sitting in court those few hours on Monday, I couldn't be more grateful for that tender mercy.  Imagining what a trial would have been like is overwhelming to me...

 On Monday, March 2nd, 2015, Lamont Arthur, Jr., the drunk driver, was sentenced 12-16 years in prison for Aggravated Vehicular Manslaughter.  During the court proceedings, several of Matt's family were able to share their Victim's Impact Statements with the court.  Me, Matt's mom, and four of Matt's brothers spoke: Shon, Maurice, Ernie & Emil.  It was such an emotional afternoon hearing firsthand how this loss has affected us all.  We also heard from the drunk driver's girlfriend who is also the mother of his two children.  Lamont Arthur also spoke to us directly...I truly believe he is remorseful for what he has done but he has a very long legal record of poor choices and I also believe he deserves to be in prison for a long time.  

Here is my Victim's Impact Statement...I am sharing it with you because I hope to convey how much hurt another person's poor choices, either intentional or unintentional, can inflict on others.

            I would like to thank the court for this opportunity to speak on behalf of myself and Matthew’s and mine three boys, Quinton (9), Sawyer (4), and Gavin (2).

            Matthew and I were married 14 years and 10 days when the drunk driver who killed him hit him. When Matt was hit, we had lived in Casper just shy of three months. And today is the one-year anniversary of our arrival in Casper for Matt’s work opportunity.  An assignment that would allow him to be home most every night with us after an almost 3 year rotation schedule that kept him traveling 50-80% of the time.

            When Matt left the house on the morning of May 29^th, 2014, I gave him a kiss and told him to be safe.  I still remember, clear as day, watching him ride his bike toward the end of the street.  Thirty minutes later, I received that nightmare phone call everyone talks about when something like this happens.  I remember seeing Matt in the hospital room thinking that when he woke up, he would be upset that he would be off his bike for a while recovering.  Never, in that moment, did I think I was going to lose my best friend.  Shortly after that, I asked one of the officers standing outside of Matt’s hospital room if the driver was okay, knowing nothing about the actual accident at that time.  The officer didn’t look me in the eye when he shrugged his shoulders and said he didn’t know.

            The next day, May 30^th, surrounded by Matt’s parents, my parents, his 8 brothers and 7 sister-in-laws, myself and our eldest son, Quinton, and colleagues, Matt was pronounced brain dead by a neurosurgeon in a hospital in Denver.  From the time Matt was hit by the drunk driver to the time he was declared dead, he never regained consciousness.  I kissed his lips and forehead goodbye and held his warm hand as long as I could before I donated his organs to Donor Alliance and quietly left the hospital. 

Quinton could barely look at his dad in the hospital room when he came to say goodbye.  When I brought him to see his dad, he started throwing up.  I ALMOST regret the decision to bring him to the hospital but I am hoping in time, that he appreciates the chance he had to say goodbye to his dad…an opportunity our two younger boys would not have understood if I had brought them to the hospital.  Matt was killed 2 weeks before Father’s Day and that was excruciating for me and my boys because Matt was an awesome father.  He lived for his boys!  The day before the accident, Matt coached Sawyer’s Y League soccer team and coached both boys in BMX racing at the local BMX track in Casper.  When I went to sit with Quinton at the hotel while Matt was in the hospital, Quinton’s first question to me was, “are we going to have fun anymore?” He knew that his world, as he knew it, was coming to an end and I knew, I had to do everything in my power to keep us moving forward.          

The past 276 days or 9 months, since Matt died have been the hardest of my life.  After burying my 39 year-old husband, I had our house packed up in Casper to move closer to my husband’s family in Utah.  Our eldest son would be attending his third school in six months.   

            Since Matt’s death, Quinton has had trouble with anger, defiance, depression and everything else grief-related you may imagine for a boy of 9 who misses his best friend too.  Even when Matt was traveling, he would read books with Quinton every night before bed.  Over the past few years, they have read The Book of Mormon, Treasure Island, Summer of the Monkeys, Old Yeller and Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s stone just to name a few.   It has only been in the last two months that Quinton is okay talking about Matt and looking at old pictures.  As a family, we are currently going to group grief counseling, which has helped Quinton to meet other kids his age who have also lost a parent. 

            Sawyer, at four years old is a bundle of energy and Matt knew exactly how to channel that energy.  I always called Sawyer “The Destroyer” while Matt loved to call him “The Warrior.”  Sawyer didn’t get the simple terms I tried to use when explaining to him that daddy was “dead” and he wasn’t coming home.  It wasn’t until the funeral, when Sawyer saw Matt lying in the casket that he understood better what “dead” meant.  Sawyer even looked up at me and asked if Daddy was sleeping and then turned to Matt’s body and called out to his dad.  When Matt did not respond, Sawyer looked up to me and started crying.  My heart broke a million times that day every time Sawyer remembered that his daddy was in the casket.      

            Gavin is our youngest and at the time of Matt’s death wasn’t even two years-old.  Gavin will most likely not have memories of his own, outside of photographs that I now treasure.  This breaks my heart because of the three boys, Gavin reminds me the most of Matt.  Gavin often points to Matt in our family picture that hangs in our living room and says, “Dada, Dada.” I talk to the boys about their dad but only until recently did Quinton allow me to do so in his presence.             

            As for me, I miss Matt more than I ever could have imagined I would miss another human being. Even when he was traveling, we talked every night. Four days before he was hit, we made the four-hour drive to Casper from Denver after a family weekend that included a day at the zoo, visiting Denver landmarks and enjoying time with friends.  The whole ride back, Matt and I discussed out future plans for the summer, activities for the boys, camping trips, his big 40^th birthday coming up in January – so many things that we discussed that day have remained with me.  We thought we had so much time together. Now, I feel cheated. I face so many challenges alone not just as a single parent, but as an ONLY parent.  My boys need me.  They need me to be there for them but it is so very hard to handle my grief, my children’s grief, fight with insurance companies, handle the financial burdens and function as the sole provider for my boys in ever facet of their needs.  I know I can’t fill-in for Matt but I try, every day, to be the best mom and only parent they have left.  This responsibility weighs so heavily upon me because I want my boys to become good men like their father.  This is not an ideal situation but I can hear Matt in my heart, everyday, encouraging me and helping me be patient.

            Maybe you’ve seen this happen before and you know what comes next…how difficult this road will be for my family.  But you didn’t know Matt and the wonderful man he was, and you never will.  Lamont Arthur made the decision to drive drunk AGAIN.  Without a doubt, I know that Lamont Arthur was going to hurt someone that morning…it was inevitable according to eyewitness accounts of his erratic and reckless driving that morning.  Matt was unlucky enough to be that person…at the wrong place at the most very wrong second.

            The drunk driver, Lamont Arthur, I believe should serve the maximum sentence for killing my husband.  From my understanding, Lamont Arthur has a criminal history that includes a prior DUI and domestic abuse among other things.  I think the court would be doing the general public a favor by keeping him off the streets for the maximum allowable time.   Lamont Arthur also did not have insurance nor was the car insured when he killed my husband.  Any and all financial security I have is due to our family’s foresight to plan for the unexpected.  However, I am currently paying off the $50,000+ in student loans from Matthew’s MBA.  Matt was making a six-figure income when he was killed.  He was working for a great company and we had great health insurance.  We were saving for the boys’ college funds and for our own retirement.  All of that has ended because of Lamont Arthur.   The drunk driver who killed my husband wouldn’t even look at me at his initial hearing.  He may have remorse NOW for what he did but I believe he is most sorry because he knows incarceration will be long-term. 

            In addition to the maximum sentence, I would like to ask the court to mandate a significant amount of community service hours where Lamont Arthur is required to work with organizations like MADD to discourage others from making poor life decisions like his own after he gets out of prison. 

            In closing, I just want you to know that Matt was not perfect but he was perfect for me and he was the best dad, most generous friend and most loving husband, son, father, uncle, cousin-all of it.  We have passed many painful milestones in the last 9 months without Matt, one of the most poignant being what would have been his 40^th birthday on January 8th.  Friends and family all over the world marked the day by performing random acts of kindness.  My goal was to complete 40 acts that day but I believe hundreds of random acts of kindness were carried out in Matt’s memory.  He may not be here physically but his spirit is aloive and well in all of our friends and family.  I am grateful for my faith because I know that Matt and I will be reunited after this life and that we will be a family again after we leave this Earth.  My faith and my love for Matt have kept me going and will continue to do so will the unending support I receive from family and friends.

            So as I conclude my thoughts about Matt, as much as I have tried to share with you what an amazing man Matt was, I also wish I could convey to you all of the hurt that Lamont Arthur has caused my family.  I hope, in some small way that I have and that you will consider my words when you make your decision.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

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Finally, after the hearing, I was able to pick up Matt's personal belongings from the police station.  I waited until we got back to Utah to open two of the many packages...one had his wallet and the other, his watch I had given him for our anniversary 10 days prior.  I was saddened to see that his watch did not survive the crash either.  The watch face was smashed but more significantly, the time was stopped when Matt was hit.  Thinking about this, I just want to share with whomever might be reading this that you have to make every moment count.  I do not sweat the small stuff like I once did...so many things that I THOUGHT mattered really don't...and I cherish the small and big moments with my boys.  My boys are the reason I get up, smile a genuine smile and laugh when my part of my heart seems like it just can't.

I want to thank all of our family, friends and even strangers who reached out to me this week to let me know they were thinking of us.  A friend sent me this message and I think it conveys exactly what I feel too, "I have to admit I'm very touched by the love people continue to show you and your family.  There is good in the world, thank you for letting me be a part of your life.  God speed today and keep a place in your heart for forgiveness when you're ready."  I do have a sincere desire to forgive Lamont Arthur, Jr. someday, but I am still hurting and grieving for our loss.  I have work to do.