Happy 43rd Birthday Matt!

Happy 43rd Birthday, Matt!  Sadly, this is the 4th birthday where I imagine as a friend said, "Matt may have put streamers on his bike to ride around in Heaven to celebrate his birthday!"  You are loved dearly and missed fiercely.

It may seem odd to come here and pen a letter to you that you will never actually read, but I imagine you are looking over my shoulder as I recount what this past year has been without you.  I hope someday, too, that our boys read these letters and understand that although I am a flawed person, I have loved them and tried to raise them the best way I know how (even then, I am ALWAYS learning).

A dear friend called recently and was beside himself with the behavior of his own three young boys and wondered how I do it without you...sometimes I wonder, too and I'm the one here everyday!  Luckily, my village that helps me with them is well-populated with people who love us and are always cheering us on!  It also helps that they are adorable and give the best hugs!

Gavin started Kindergarten this year and I think he's everyone's best friend!  He's a lot like you in that he has a smile for everyone and can make you feel super-loved by his hugs.  He says the funniest things, often repeated from what he's heard his brothers say and it's not always appropriate!  He is a total momma's boy!  He loves to go with me wherever I go and he loves the morning when it's just him and me, after the big brothers have gone to school.  He is so curious but very cautious.  There are so many times he's afraid to do something but I push him out of his comfort zone, only for him to realize it really is fun and not so scary.  He loved camping this year and was always finding mud/dirt/water and anything else he could to get dirty.  He really is my little sidekick!
One of his New Year's goals is to "Try new foods" - as long as it can be covered in Nutella, I think.

Sawyer.  Sawyer is Sawyer and then some!
This kid raises my blood pressure but has a laugh that makes my heart light up and can't help but laugh too!  We went to Moab this spring and did some of the things you and I loved to do when we were there!  At one point, the Hummer Tour driver jokingly asked if Sawyer wanted to drive the hummer down the STEEP hill and Sawyer was practically devastated to find out this was not a real offer.  He LOVES adventure!  He is testing for his yellow belt in karate next week and this is the most determined I have ever seen him work towards something!
I'm almost afraid to see what Sawyer looks like once he can date!  The kid already has ladies sending him love notes!  He has your wicked smile and devilish charm so I'm sure I'm in for trouble with him but I wouldn't want him any other way!
I am incredibly proud of Sawyer's hard work in school in spite of his delays and other academic struggles.  We worked for two productive years with Brain Balance to find ways for Sawyer to improve so many of his skills and abilities and it has really been good for him and for us, as a family!  As I met with Sawyer's education team last month, I was astonished at how far he has come!  Even his principal became teary when she talked about what a sweet boy he is and he always has a hug for her...he has come a long, long way!
One of Sawyer's New Year's goals is to "Not hit Gavin" which is still a work-in-progress!

My sweet tender-hearted Quinton has had a roller-coaster of a year.  He ended 5th grade on a high note only to plummet into 6th grade - middle school.  I don't think many kids are ready in 6th grade for the responsibility and frenetic pace of junior high and Quinton seemed to be swallowed up whole by it after just three weeks!  These are the times I talk to you the most, Matt, and pray for guidance because I feel like I am totally winging it and I don't like that feeling.  Quinton is still struggling but we're working together to get him settled and coping with all of the changes.  He really does miss you and is so sweet when he shares his memories of you with his younger brothers.
Quinton has grown so much!  He was ordained a Deacon in September and I still can't believe he is 12 and passing the sacrament at church!  He sure looks sharp in his suit and you would be so proud of him!
One of Quinton's New Year's resolutions is to "Get his babysitter's certificate" because he already has plans for a babysitting business!  I love his entrepreneurial spirit!

I started working towards the end of 2016 and I have really enjoyed working from home and doing something I enjoy.  It can sometimes be really difficult to juggle the boys and working from home but I am grateful for this opportunity to use my talents and skills again.  I feel like I do hard things for the boys every day but when it comes to myself, I hold back and I put myself last.  I am trying to change that, this year...we actually SET GOALS as a family for New Year's!  You know how much I disliked setting goals and I know how much you LOVED setting goals and I decided it was time to show the boys what you LOVE, LOL!  It was fun to see the boys think of their own goals and what they want to accomplish this year...I'm excited to see what the next year holds for our motley crew and where it takes us because this past year, even with its ups and downs, was still one for the books!

I am always grateful for the friends and family who love us and support us in ways I probably don't even know.  They have been there to make us laugh and listen when we (I) cry.  I miss you more than I ever thought it was possible to miss a person.  I am grateful for the almost 16 years we had to know each other.  What I wouldn't give to be irritated with you for your tie left on the back of the chair or your coat on the couch but at least I have our boys to do that for you!

All my love,
Stacy