Dear Matt, Happy 45th Birthday!
You are still missed and loved dearly.
I would like to think this is when your mid-life crisis should have hit instead of, unknowingly, at the ripe old age of nineteen. I hope you received the big hug from me and the boys that I asked my dad to deliver. I didn’t write you a birthday letter last year because the boys and I were spending all our free time we had up in Idaho with my dad. I am so very grateful for that time that we had with him and being able to serve him. Losing my dad was so very different from losing you but the grief all feels very familiar.
So many changes in the last year!
We have officially lived in our current house longer than we lived anywhere in the last 20 years! Kind of a big deal for this nomad and I still get the itch to be in a new place sometimes but then I look at how happy the boys are and it’s easy to get past the itch.
Quinton surpassed me in height! I can’t recall exactly when it happened but it feels like my sweet boy became a kind, quirky and intelligent young man overnight. You would be so impressed with his maturity and poise! Moving him to a smaller school two years ago was such a difficult decision for me…it was one of those decisions I would have done ANYTHING to have consulted you on but I did it in a leap of faith and am so grateful he is thriving. He even won an award at his school for CARING because he is an awesome kid. Quinton has also developed a love of fishing, thanks to his Grandma Kathy! I splurged on kayaks for the boys this summer and they have been a big hit! Quinton sometimes struggles with understanding what comes after this life and where you are but I have reassured him that your presence in our lives is undeniable. I hope he never loses his tender heart because he is of great comfort to his mom.
Sawyer still has that mischievousness about him that comes straight from you! A couple of weeks ago, at his IEP meeting, I was close to tears as his education team discussed how far he has come over the years. This kid, THIS KID, is responsible for more than a few of my gray (dyed brown) hairs! But to see him now! He has that same ‘suck-the-marrow-out-of-life’ zeal that you had whether it’s on the soccer field, his skateboard, snowboard or the playground, I get to see a lot of you in him every day. Sawyer has recently been bitten by the entrepreneur bug because he’s figured out the power of the almighty dollar! I’m a proud mom when he’s out in the neighborhood raking leaves or shoveling snow to earn money! He even earned enough to buy his own laptop last month! I’m excited to see what new endeavors he has this next year.
Gavin is still my cuddle bug. At home, he is never very far from me and when I drop him off at school, he ALWAYS turns around and blows me a goodbye kiss. He has big goals this year and even today, he took his goal to “eat new things” very seriously and ate a whole hamburger! This may not seem like a big deal to most people but it was huge for us! He only eats pancakes, pasta, fries and ramen. He was so proud of himself, it was adorable! He’ll be 8 this year and I can’t even believe how far we have come. He was only 19 months old when he lost you…he only remembers you from the pictures, videos and stories that we share. He still misses you as much as the rest of us so please keep whispering to him and walking beside him.
I don’t know if it is was a moment of temporary insanity but we adopted a dog! You and I had talked often about getting a dog for the boys but there was NO WAY I wanted to take care of one more body in this house! Sawyer talked me into looking at dogs online and before I knew what was happening, we met Shadow and his brother. Shadow has been with us almost 8 months and I have no clue what I was thinking! A puppy??? A PUPPY!!! But there is just something so endearing about boys and their dog. As much as he drives me crazy, Shadow’s loyalty and love is showered unconditionally on us and I think he’ll be a beloved member of our family for a long time – as long as he stops eating our shoes SOON!
With all of its ups and downs, this has been a hard year, as I’m sure you witnessed.
Spending time with my dad this time, last year, was bittersweet…a long goodbye to a man I didn’t want to imagine life without. If I’m being honest, you were my rock, and without you here, my dad was my anchor and without both of you here, I feel untethered and unsettled. Every day, I’m trying hard to be a good mom to the boys and still find time to ‘sharpen my saw’ but I rarely feel like I have measured up. One of the hardest things to hear and makes me cringe sometimes is, “You’re so strong” because I don’t feel like it very often. I feel like well-intentioned people say it because they want it to be true. Hell, I want it to be true! Some days I do feel strong. Some days I fake it till I make it. But the rest of the time, I feel like I'm winging it. So often, I find myself thinking back to the days when you were here and how I had no real clue what hard was back then.
One of my dad’s biggest worries, during his battle with cancer was that he wouldn’t be here to help me with the boys. But that’s not the case, is it? You are both still watching over us and I know it with every fiber of my being. I’m sure I have you two to thank for the miracles I’ve experienced in the last two months. Coming down with appendicitis suddenly on November 10th seemed like a minor inconvenience. My sweet mom, who had just been here two weeks prior to give me a break so I could go to Paris, came right back to take care of me and the boys while I recuperated. Luckily, she was with me at my follow-up appointment the following week when my sweet surgeon sat me down and told me that the pathology for my removed appendix came back with a rare form of cancer. CANCER. Never in my wildest imagination did I think I was going to be sitting there hearing I had cancer. That moment was scarier than the one where a nurse told me you were in a serious accident because I am the only parent left. That’s what went through my mind.
Having just watched my dad die of cancer, that went through my mind, too.
And no matter how old I am, all I wanted was my mom and she was there.
I spent that next week trying to wrap my head around my diagnosis while trying to parent and just breathe in and out. I thought I knew what hard was before this, but I didn’t. The more I learned, the more apparent it was how lucky I was to have had appendicitis. I didn’t know yet if the cancer had spread but the good news was that the appendix was out. I was fortunate to find a mutual friend who was diagnosed with the similar rare cancer and she pointed me to one of the few appendiceal cancer specialists in the U.S., right here at the Huntsman Cancer Institute. The specialist had good news for me and my mom who had flown back to be with me for the appointment, well as good as could have been expected. She said that technically, what I had was pre-cancer and that they would do their own pathology on my appendix and put together a plan to monitor me for the next 10 years. I was so relieved when I left her office, that I sat on a bench outside of the clinic and just cried. This felt like a Thanksgiving miracle.
December 12th, just a month after having my appendectomy, I met with the oncologist that I would be doing my follow ups with and after talking to her about my meeting with the specialist, she stepped out to get the results of the Huntsman’s pathology. When she came back, my biggest fear was that the cancer was worse than originally indicated. She said that it rarely happens but that the second pathology opinion came back with NON CANCEROUS. This report DOWNGRADED the original pathology. I don't have appendical cancer. This was my Christmas miracle. I know that you and my dad are watching out for me and the boys. We have some amazing guardian angels.
The last two months have reminded me what’s important. ME! Like I didn’t already know but I do again. I still have to go in for tests for the next couple of years but I’m even grateful for that! This Christmas, I savored every little detail. I have hugged the boys more in the last two months than probably the last year combined! I am beyond grateful for the prayers that were said on my behalf and for the family and friends who love us so deeply. I don’t think I could even begin to express how much my mom means to me and the example of love, grace and generosity she has been in my life.
I am grateful for you. Even though you aren’t here for me to hug, I know you are with me.
Love always,
Stacy
