Letter To My Love...

Dear Matt,

Today is the last day of 2015.  This was the first full calendar year without you, which meant an end to the “firsts” without you and a start to many “seconds” with you missing.  You are missed so much…I like to think you are always nearby but it doesn’t make your absence any easier.  My heart hurts most days knowing that you SHOULD be here and I want to scream IT’S NOT FAIR!  But you would be first to remind me that fair or not, it’s not worth dwelling on when there is so much life to live for the boys and me.  For me, most days are still hard...sometimes I am okay and even used to your absence and other days, seeing couples and families doing everyday things, without much worry makes me feel the impact of your loss all over again.

Of the many, many, many hard things I have done since you’ve been gone, addressing the man whose choices ultimately lead to your death, last March, was one of the hardest experiences of my life.  I wondered how I got to that courtroom with our families there and a man wishing his life had been taken and yours spared.  I laughed, as I’m sure you did, when your mom, in her heartfelt impact statement to the judge said that she missed you and that you were the “salsa to her taco.”  I’m not exactly sure I know what that means but your mom misses you, too.

Your birthday was so very hard for me since we had discussed plans for your big 4-0!  That ride home from Denver, 4 days before you were killed, we had talked about anniversary plans and your birthday plans…a week later was your funeral.  The best way I could make it a positive day for our families and friends was to have as many people as would help us commit Random Acts of Kindess…imagine my surprise as the instances of kind acts rolled in from all over the world, I know you would be humbled to know that you are a force for good, even when you are not here, physically.

You would have loved the memorial ride Ernie and our families put together to remember you!  So many of our friends rode, volunteered and celebrated you on that beautiful spring morning!  The boys love to wear that "dad" t-shirts and I really loved spending time with so many of your high school friends, RLG colleagues and extended family members.  Much like the memorial ride, the LOTOJA ride in your honor, organized by Isaac was certainly a highlight.  I know you were there with me...I know you were cheering Isaac and the others on towards the finish line.  I am humbled that so many of our friends help to keep your memory alive and our boys get to see your good example even when you are not here.

This year was also Sawyer’s first birthday without you here to celebrate and it was easy to remember last year, when we picked out a bike for him in Casper and took him to the park and you helped him ride his pedal bike for the first time, cheering him on with that proud dad sparkle in your eyes!  But for Quinton and Gavin, it was their second birthdays without you and it wasn’t any easier than the first.  I hope you don’t mind me spoiling them…maybe I am trying to make up for your absence but you also know I have always spoiled our boys.  They remind me so much of you and for that, I am grateful…and overwhelmed at the responsibility of trying to raise them into strong, determined men, like you were.

Our 15^th anniversary passed and that was especially hard.  You and I had dreamed of going to Paris for our anniversary this year.  Instead, I took roses to your grave and shamelessly wept for our first anniversary apart.  I know you would want me to be happy but I hope you don’t mind that I take this time to grieve for you and what I thought my life would be like right now…with you.  I miss talking to you. I miss your text messages throughout the day.  I miss sharing the weight of the word’s problems with you and your reassuring hugs.  I miss being frustrated with you leaving your socks on the floor.  I miss knowing I have a date every weekend, whether we took advantage of it or not! I miss you strong hands wrestling the boys and reading to them at night!

The boys miss you too.  Gavin will pass a very difficult milestone soon but I will be the only one to notice: he will have spent more time here without you than with you alive.   I don’t that’s fair at all.  I’ve said it before and I can say it again, none of this is fair.  I hope you see me trying to do my best to raise these boys and forgive me when I lose patience sometimes.  I never ever imagined I would be doing this alone.  I am so grateful for my family who has stepped in where they can to help.

Quinton is so much like you, it is amazing to see the young man he is becoming.  He does not love wrestling like you did as a youth but I suspect some of that comes from missing you while so many dads help their boys.  He has your sense of humor and that same mischievous smile when he’s up to something.  He is learning to do hard things but I don’t want him to grow up too fast.  School is hard for him sometimes because he gets anxious and emotional thinking of you and saying goodbye to you in the hospital.  I am so grateful for his teachers and counselors who are patient and firm with him and help me guide him.

Sawyer is a wonderful ball of energy!  I was shocked one day to watch him remove the empty toilet paper roll in my bathroom and put the new roll on!  You were always annoyed with me when I would start a new roll and not take off the empty roll…so imagine my surprise when my 5 year-old did EXACTLY what you would have done!  It makes me smile every time he does it!  Sawyer DOES love wrestling and you would be so proud of him!  I really wish you were here for this part because I know nothing of wrestling and feel like a fish out of water at his tournaments!  He took second place at his first tournament and you would have thought he won state!  Sawyer still asks where you are…I am sure it is hard for him to understand and when I tell him that you are in heaven, he asks if you have your phone so we can call you…oh how I wish that were true!

Gavin is the salve to my broken heart.  His innocence and lack of sadness helps me get up everyday and motivates me to give our boys the best life possible.  His laugh and playful spirit is a breath of fresh air, every single day and for that I am grateful.  He loves to wrestle me and I’m sure will be a force on the wrestling mats someday, like you.  Moving to a new house with a park and lots of room to play was one of the best tings I could have done for Gavin!  He loves to run and play and I love to do it with him.

I wasn’t entirely sure I had made the right decision to move us again, but after being in the new house for a few weeks, we were at the park on a beautiful late summer evening, when a group of men your age assembled to play soccer.  At that moment, I knew I made the right decision and it was finally clear to me why I loved this house so much…YOU would have loved it too.  This would have been OUR dream house. With the park, the view and the feeling of ‘being home’, I know you would have loved this house just as much as I do.

I am grateful to the family and friends we have as they support and love our little family.  I am reminded daily of the influence you have had on others and I am grateful that I have been by your side for the last 17 years to witness your work here on earth. Even though the holidays were hard, we managed to surround ourselves with people who loves us so much! 

I have to go now, the natives are restless.  I look forward to the hope that the next year brings for us but approach 2016 anxiously…another year without you seems incredibly difficult.  I hope to make you proud.  I love you forever.

Your loving wife,

Stacy

Closing A Chapter...

On Sunday, March 1st, my mom, and sisters, Alyee and Jessi, and I traveled to Casper, Wyoming, while my dad stayed home with the boys in Utah.  We stayed the night at the Marriott on the one year anniversary of our arrival in Casper for Matt's job.  We stayed in the exact same hotel one year prior as we moved from Lehi, UT to Casper.  What a crazy and devastating year it has been.

Monday morning, in anxious anticipation for the day's events, I couldn't sleep so I went for a drive.  First, I drove to our old house...we were only there for three months before Matt's accident so there aren't a whole lot of memories but the ones I have are so amazing.  It was the last place I was happiest, so it holds some significance for me, as you might imagine.  

I thought a lot about my next stop...the intersection where Matt was hit.  There used to be a white memorial bike there and I had been planning on leaving flowers but sadly, the bike is gone.  It's back to being a plain intersection in a small town.  This is me, sitting quietly at the intersection, thinking about how much a moment can change our lives so drastically.

 This is the intersection of 1st and Beech in Casper where the accident happened.

 My family and Matt's family were in town that Monday for the sentencing hearing of the drunk driver who hit and killed Matt.  Thankfully, he had plead guilty several months earlier and after sitting in court those few hours on Monday, I couldn't be more grateful for that tender mercy.  Imagining what a trial would have been like is overwhelming to me...

 On Monday, March 2nd, 2015, Lamont Arthur, Jr., the drunk driver, was sentenced 12-16 years in prison for Aggravated Vehicular Manslaughter.  During the court proceedings, several of Matt's family were able to share their Victim's Impact Statements with the court.  Me, Matt's mom, and four of Matt's brothers spoke: Shon, Maurice, Ernie & Emil.  It was such an emotional afternoon hearing firsthand how this loss has affected us all.  We also heard from the drunk driver's girlfriend who is also the mother of his two children.  Lamont Arthur also spoke to us directly...I truly believe he is remorseful for what he has done but he has a very long legal record of poor choices and I also believe he deserves to be in prison for a long time.  

Here is my Victim's Impact Statement...I am sharing it with you because I hope to convey how much hurt another person's poor choices, either intentional or unintentional, can inflict on others.

            I would like to thank the court for this opportunity to speak on behalf of myself and Matthew’s and mine three boys, Quinton (9), Sawyer (4), and Gavin (2).

            Matthew and I were married 14 years and 10 days when the drunk driver who killed him hit him. When Matt was hit, we had lived in Casper just shy of three months. And today is the one-year anniversary of our arrival in Casper for Matt’s work opportunity.  An assignment that would allow him to be home most every night with us after an almost 3 year rotation schedule that kept him traveling 50-80% of the time.

            When Matt left the house on the morning of May 29^th, 2014, I gave him a kiss and told him to be safe.  I still remember, clear as day, watching him ride his bike toward the end of the street.  Thirty minutes later, I received that nightmare phone call everyone talks about when something like this happens.  I remember seeing Matt in the hospital room thinking that when he woke up, he would be upset that he would be off his bike for a while recovering.  Never, in that moment, did I think I was going to lose my best friend.  Shortly after that, I asked one of the officers standing outside of Matt’s hospital room if the driver was okay, knowing nothing about the actual accident at that time.  The officer didn’t look me in the eye when he shrugged his shoulders and said he didn’t know.

            The next day, May 30^th, surrounded by Matt’s parents, my parents, his 8 brothers and 7 sister-in-laws, myself and our eldest son, Quinton, and colleagues, Matt was pronounced brain dead by a neurosurgeon in a hospital in Denver.  From the time Matt was hit by the drunk driver to the time he was declared dead, he never regained consciousness.  I kissed his lips and forehead goodbye and held his warm hand as long as I could before I donated his organs to Donor Alliance and quietly left the hospital. 

Quinton could barely look at his dad in the hospital room when he came to say goodbye.  When I brought him to see his dad, he started throwing up.  I ALMOST regret the decision to bring him to the hospital but I am hoping in time, that he appreciates the chance he had to say goodbye to his dad…an opportunity our two younger boys would not have understood if I had brought them to the hospital.  Matt was killed 2 weeks before Father’s Day and that was excruciating for me and my boys because Matt was an awesome father.  He lived for his boys!  The day before the accident, Matt coached Sawyer’s Y League soccer team and coached both boys in BMX racing at the local BMX track in Casper.  When I went to sit with Quinton at the hotel while Matt was in the hospital, Quinton’s first question to me was, “are we going to have fun anymore?” He knew that his world, as he knew it, was coming to an end and I knew, I had to do everything in my power to keep us moving forward.          

The past 276 days or 9 months, since Matt died have been the hardest of my life.  After burying my 39 year-old husband, I had our house packed up in Casper to move closer to my husband’s family in Utah.  Our eldest son would be attending his third school in six months.   

            Since Matt’s death, Quinton has had trouble with anger, defiance, depression and everything else grief-related you may imagine for a boy of 9 who misses his best friend too.  Even when Matt was traveling, he would read books with Quinton every night before bed.  Over the past few years, they have read The Book of Mormon, Treasure Island, Summer of the Monkeys, Old Yeller and Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s stone just to name a few.   It has only been in the last two months that Quinton is okay talking about Matt and looking at old pictures.  As a family, we are currently going to group grief counseling, which has helped Quinton to meet other kids his age who have also lost a parent. 

            Sawyer, at four years old is a bundle of energy and Matt knew exactly how to channel that energy.  I always called Sawyer “The Destroyer” while Matt loved to call him “The Warrior.”  Sawyer didn’t get the simple terms I tried to use when explaining to him that daddy was “dead” and he wasn’t coming home.  It wasn’t until the funeral, when Sawyer saw Matt lying in the casket that he understood better what “dead” meant.  Sawyer even looked up at me and asked if Daddy was sleeping and then turned to Matt’s body and called out to his dad.  When Matt did not respond, Sawyer looked up to me and started crying.  My heart broke a million times that day every time Sawyer remembered that his daddy was in the casket.      

            Gavin is our youngest and at the time of Matt’s death wasn’t even two years-old.  Gavin will most likely not have memories of his own, outside of photographs that I now treasure.  This breaks my heart because of the three boys, Gavin reminds me the most of Matt.  Gavin often points to Matt in our family picture that hangs in our living room and says, “Dada, Dada.” I talk to the boys about their dad but only until recently did Quinton allow me to do so in his presence.             

            As for me, I miss Matt more than I ever could have imagined I would miss another human being. Even when he was traveling, we talked every night. Four days before he was hit, we made the four-hour drive to Casper from Denver after a family weekend that included a day at the zoo, visiting Denver landmarks and enjoying time with friends.  The whole ride back, Matt and I discussed out future plans for the summer, activities for the boys, camping trips, his big 40^th birthday coming up in January – so many things that we discussed that day have remained with me.  We thought we had so much time together. Now, I feel cheated. I face so many challenges alone not just as a single parent, but as an ONLY parent.  My boys need me.  They need me to be there for them but it is so very hard to handle my grief, my children’s grief, fight with insurance companies, handle the financial burdens and function as the sole provider for my boys in ever facet of their needs.  I know I can’t fill-in for Matt but I try, every day, to be the best mom and only parent they have left.  This responsibility weighs so heavily upon me because I want my boys to become good men like their father.  This is not an ideal situation but I can hear Matt in my heart, everyday, encouraging me and helping me be patient.

            Maybe you’ve seen this happen before and you know what comes next…how difficult this road will be for my family.  But you didn’t know Matt and the wonderful man he was, and you never will.  Lamont Arthur made the decision to drive drunk AGAIN.  Without a doubt, I know that Lamont Arthur was going to hurt someone that morning…it was inevitable according to eyewitness accounts of his erratic and reckless driving that morning.  Matt was unlucky enough to be that person…at the wrong place at the most very wrong second.

            The drunk driver, Lamont Arthur, I believe should serve the maximum sentence for killing my husband.  From my understanding, Lamont Arthur has a criminal history that includes a prior DUI and domestic abuse among other things.  I think the court would be doing the general public a favor by keeping him off the streets for the maximum allowable time.   Lamont Arthur also did not have insurance nor was the car insured when he killed my husband.  Any and all financial security I have is due to our family’s foresight to plan for the unexpected.  However, I am currently paying off the $50,000+ in student loans from Matthew’s MBA.  Matt was making a six-figure income when he was killed.  He was working for a great company and we had great health insurance.  We were saving for the boys’ college funds and for our own retirement.  All of that has ended because of Lamont Arthur.   The drunk driver who killed my husband wouldn’t even look at me at his initial hearing.  He may have remorse NOW for what he did but I believe he is most sorry because he knows incarceration will be long-term. 

            In addition to the maximum sentence, I would like to ask the court to mandate a significant amount of community service hours where Lamont Arthur is required to work with organizations like MADD to discourage others from making poor life decisions like his own after he gets out of prison. 

            In closing, I just want you to know that Matt was not perfect but he was perfect for me and he was the best dad, most generous friend and most loving husband, son, father, uncle, cousin-all of it.  We have passed many painful milestones in the last 9 months without Matt, one of the most poignant being what would have been his 40^th birthday on January 8th.  Friends and family all over the world marked the day by performing random acts of kindness.  My goal was to complete 40 acts that day but I believe hundreds of random acts of kindness were carried out in Matt’s memory.  He may not be here physically but his spirit is aloive and well in all of our friends and family.  I am grateful for my faith because I know that Matt and I will be reunited after this life and that we will be a family again after we leave this Earth.  My faith and my love for Matt have kept me going and will continue to do so will the unending support I receive from family and friends.

            So as I conclude my thoughts about Matt, as much as I have tried to share with you what an amazing man Matt was, I also wish I could convey to you all of the hurt that Lamont Arthur has caused my family.  I hope, in some small way that I have and that you will consider my words when you make your decision.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

*********************************************************************

Finally, after the hearing, I was able to pick up Matt's personal belongings from the police station.  I waited until we got back to Utah to open two of the many packages...one had his wallet and the other, his watch I had given him for our anniversary 10 days prior.  I was saddened to see that his watch did not survive the crash either.  The watch face was smashed but more significantly, the time was stopped when Matt was hit.  Thinking about this, I just want to share with whomever might be reading this that you have to make every moment count.  I do not sweat the small stuff like I once did...so many things that I THOUGHT mattered really don't...and I cherish the small and big moments with my boys.  My boys are the reason I get up, smile a genuine smile and laugh when my part of my heart seems like it just can't.

I want to thank all of our family, friends and even strangers who reached out to me this week to let me know they were thinking of us.  A friend sent me this message and I think it conveys exactly what I feel too, "I have to admit I'm very touched by the love people continue to show you and your family.  There is good in the world, thank you for letting me be a part of your life.  God speed today and keep a place in your heart for forgiveness when you're ready."  I do have a sincere desire to forgive Lamont Arthur, Jr. someday, but I am still hurting and grieving for our loss.  I have work to do.

Happy Birthday Matt!

Just a few of the highlights from our 14 years together...

http://youtu.be/BD2wx4k2_as

40+ Random Acts of Kindness for #MattsLegacy

Matthew James Harker would have turned 40 years old on January 8th, 2015.  Instead, in my mind, he will always be 39 years old...even when I am old and gray(er) and have grandkids, my memory of Matt will keep him frozen at the relatively young age he was killed.  This birthday, the first one without him here, is perhaps the hardest day for me since his funeral because it's a MILESTONE that belonged to him.  We have passed other milestones like Quinton's birthday, Gavin's birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and a New Year.  Those weren't Matt's Milestones...his birthday is his and for him not to be here is a pointedly sad day for me.

The Random Acts with the hashtag #mattslegacy is a tradition I hope to keep moving forward.  If no one but my boys and I do it 40 years from now, I am okay with that, but it is a way for us to consciously remember him and take action to honor a good man who left this earth far too soon.

Thank you to all who participate this first year.  You are creating good in Matt's memory and for that, I am humbled and grateful.
Stacy

Matt's 39th Birthday Party