Dear Matt,
I wanted to write you this letter on your birthday, so Happy
Birthday to you!
I know everything can change in a second but big, positive
changes have slowly happened over the course of the last year, too.
Our boys are thriving, Matthew! Shortly after moving to Draper last year, I felt
like it was the right decision for our little family. This year has solidified that decision
because I see so much positive growth as we move forward. Not to mention the addition of a member to
our family, who I am pretty confident you had a hand in guiding into our
lives. Justice is an amazing young woman
and caregiver for our boys…you would love her vivacious spirit and constant
patience with our boys…she really loves them and I am so grateful that we found
her…she helps me be a better mother and has enhanced our lives in countless
ways.
Quinton is getting taller every day, it seems. He is such a good big brother…he has his
moments of complete and total frustration and then other times, he is so very
dear and sweet with his younger brothers.
You should have seen him with Gavin & Gill’s kids…Quinton could make
baby Jude laugh by bouncing him on his lap.
He is smart, thoughtful and has a tender heart. He REALLY enjoyed playing soccer this spring
and summer. He made excellent progress
at soccer summer camp and I already have him signed up for spring soccer this
year. He’s not quite as competitive as
you, but that might be a good thing.
I am also so proud of him for talking to his counselor and working through his anxiety about suddenly losing you...he seems to be in a really good place right now and I am so grateful that I found someone who could help him. He loves when I tell him stories about you and him together, all the boys do, actually.
There was a moment a few months ago that Sawyer came in
REALLY, REALLY excited about something and his mannerisms and the animated look
on his face looked just.like.you! It hit
me like a ton of bricks as I listened to his story of adventure and I thought
my heart would melt. You must be so
proud of him like I am! He has worked so
hard this year with his Brain Balance therapy.
He started as a struggling kindergartener that was starting to believe
he was a bad kid because of all the frowny faces on his behavior report and
ended up 6 months later, earning Star Student of The Month in his 3rd
month as a first grader! He is
amazing! He also LOVES to makes deals
with me for his current obsession: Pokemon cards! I can get him to do just about anything if I
make a deal with him to earn more cards!
One of my favorite things about our move is that Sawyer has
so many cute little friends…all summer long he would go up and down the block
inviting his friends over for “parties” in our hot tub or to his lemonade/candy
stand! Someone called the hot tub party
‘kid soup’ and that’s what it totally was some days!
On our way home from school after the Halloween Parade,
Sawyer’s little voice from the back seat said, “I wish my dad could see my
Halloween costume!” Moments like that still sting. And we talked about how you watch over us and
I bet you did get to see him in his costume…and I hope, more than anything that
you did.
Gavin’s reaction to meeting his namesake in Australia for
the first time was priceless! It took
about three days for him to notice when I said big Gavin’s name and my Gavin
looked at me and said, “His name Gavin, too?
Like me?” and I said yes and my Gavin looked at big Gavin and back at me
and looked surprised and said, “You’re like me!” It was so adorable!
Gavin has grown and changed so much! He was barely 20 months old when he last saw
you but he still recognizes you in pictures.
Gavin started preschool this year and his speech and language has
blossomed. I think he gets tired of
being the little brother but he plays the part too well. He idolizes Quinton, tolerates Sawyer and
really, really loves him mom. He is
still the salve to my hurting heart with his sweet smiles and endless
hugs. He even tried soccer this summer
but was more interested in the playground that actually playing soccer! Oh well, maybe next year.
I started 2016 with a resolve to live more purposefully.
Especially since you’ve been gone, I look at friends’ lives
enviously…sometimes with jealousy, even, and I know that’s not something that
helps me or that you would want for me.
Combined with determination and an amazing nanny, I have worked hard
this year to make memories with the boys, take my happiness into my own hands
and make sure the boys get the best life I can give them. It’s not easy but it is all the more worth it
and I do it to honor you…you have always been an amazing example to me of
living life to fullest, valuing family and friendships and doing what matters
most.
I turned 40 this year…a difficult milestone because now, I’m
older than you. You will always be 39 in
my mind, but I’m getting older. I am
grateful to be here for our boys and hope to be here at least 50 more years but
the truth is, you will always be 39. I
celebrated with friends near and far and enjoyed all of it like I knew you
would want me to…I missed you dearly and surrounding myself with people who
love me was the best way I knew how to celebrate me and honor you. I even climbed a mountain in Lake Tahoe! I didn't think I could but I know you were cheering me on the entire way and I felt so alive!
Among our many hopes and dreams, you and I had always talked
about visiting our friends in Australia.
After last Christmas, I decided as part of my goal to living a more
purposeful life, that buying the boys more toys than they could play with was
not the kind of memories I wanted to make anymore. So I had this crazy idea to make Christmas
about making memories this year. Even
crazier, I decided to take the boys to meet our friends in Australia,
especially since Gavin is named after one of them. We got home a week ago yesterday!
I questioned my own mental competency many times before we
left…the 15-hour flights, spending the money, taking three young boys halfway
across the world with my mom…it all seemed a little crazy, but I am so glad we
did it! Sitting in church on Christmas
Sunday in Sydney with our friends and my mom and the boys, as we sang Joy to
The World, I felt like I could hear your voice ringing out and I felt that
peaceful calm that could only come from you…I felt so many times on our trip,
that this is exactly where we needed to be on this journey of moving
forward. Our friends couldn’t have been
any more amazing than they were if they tried.
They welcomed us in, cared for us and treated us like their own
family! They love you and love us and
being around that kind of love has a welcome healing power.
There is so much more to tell you but I have faith that you are watching over us and know how our story is unfolding. Happy birthday, Matthew, you are still an amazing force for
good. Your boys are the best parts of
you and I am grateful to be their mom.
All my love,
S
